Divorce is often associated with resentment, bitterness, and animosity. Something no person ever wishes to go through. It certainly isn’t part of anyone’s long-term plan, nor does its progression have a step-by-step guide that can fully prepare you for the outcome.
But when shit hits the fan, what if there was a way to separate more peacefully, consciously, and lovingly? That’s where the concept of “conscious uncoupling” comes in.
It’s easier said than done, that’s for certain. But with enough practice, belief, and desire to take a more graceful route, a positive outcome is definitely not impossible. Even when it seems like it is.
What is Conscious Uncoupling?
Conscious uncoupling is a process of separation that focuses on understanding and honoring the relationship you had with your partner, while also recognizing that the relationship has run its course. It involves taking responsibility for your own emotions and behaviors, as well as respecting the other person’s experience and journey.
It’s not an easy process, but it can be transformative and healing for both parties involved, especially if this healthy approach is what both parties want.
Is Conscious Uncoupling a Healthy Way to End a Marriage/Relationship?
The short answer is yes. Conscious uncoupling is there to break the pattern of false beliefs surrounding divorce. It’s there as a tool that helps people not to catastrophize their lives after such an abrupt change.
The term “conscious uncoupling” was first coined by Katherine Woodward Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist. She developed a five-step process for conscious uncoupling. It involves the following:
- Finding emotional freedom and releasing the past.
- Reclaiming your power and your life.
- Breaking the pattern and creating a new vision.
- Becoming a love alchemist.
- Creating your “happily ever after” life.
We’ll be diving into all these steps to provide more information and tips for those who seek help and details.
I’m sure most of us have seen the 50% of all marriages that end in divorce statistics. But what is not as popular is that 70% of those initiating it are women.
If we look at this historically and even socially, the more freedom and power women have had in the past couple of decades, the more divorce papers have been flying around courtrooms and early morning cold parking lots.
Excluding domestic violence cases and abuse, the study above writes the most common reasons why women seek divorce far more than men, and a lot of it has to do with power imbalances, lack of equality, and plain intolerable behavior when living with a man. Things such as women being treated as cooks, cleaning ladies, and therapists for their husbands.
Having to explain your decisions to your children, your Tennessee Christian values-loving father, or even your friends–it’s not the choice women seek to make. It’s an awfully tiring, and expensive process, so prepping your emotional well-being before the storm is the best way to make it out alive. Especially if you want a stable friendship with your ex-husband or wife in the aftermath.
Source: Francesco Ciccolella
Steps to Consciously Uncouple
Step 1: Finding emotional freedom and releasing the past
The first step of conscious uncoupling is all about letting go of the emotional baggage from the past.
This involves acknowledging the pain and hurt you’ve experienced in the relationship, but also recognizing that holding onto these negative emotions can only further harm you. You can find emotional freedom by focusing on forgiveness and gratitude, both for your partner and for yourself.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning the actions that led to the separation. Instead, it’s about releasing the anger and resentment you had for your relationship so you can move forward. There are many ways to deal with resentment, with gratitude possibly being the best one. helps shift your perspective towards the positive aspects of the relationship, even if it ultimately didn’t work out.
Sometimes, in many relationships, people place all their focus on reaching the end line, forgetting that, just as with everything else in life, relationships have no goal, just one journey after the other.
You can find that freedom and clarity in the acceptance of what is to come, not something that you have longed for. And the more the two of you communicate about these goals, the more understanding you’ll have for the choice of separation.
Step 2: Reclaim your power and your life
The second step of conscious uncoupling involves taking ownership of your life and your decisions. This means leaning on yourself more, but doing so faithfully and with confidence. Not just because now you “have to”. This also means setting boundaries, honoring your needs and desires, and standing up for yourself, which not a lot of people have done while with their partner.
You may have had to put your own needs aside in the relationship, but now is the time to finally change that. This doesn’t mean being selfish or disregarding your partner’s feelings, but rather acknowledging that you can’t control their actions or emotions. And furthermore, you can’t always make them happy, no matter what you did or didn’t do.
Step 3: Breaking the pattern and creating a new vision
The third step of conscious uncoupling is about breaking the pattern that led to the separation in the first place. You need to examine your past relationships and identify the common patterns and behaviors that have been detrimental to your love life.
This can quite literally be anything. Are you saying too much, or never enough? Making a lot of room for them, but never taking any space yourself? Maybe it’s the other way around, but whatever it is, secretly, you have always been aware of it to a certain extent.
Once you’ve identified these patterns, you can work on changing them. This involves creating a new vision for your future, one that’s based on the life you want to create, not settling for what you have or think you deserve. You need to let go of any limiting beliefs or negative self-talk that’s holding you back and embrace the possibility of a better future.
But most importantly, let go of the fear of being alone. Even if you don’t want you, you actually have to. It will save you a ton of unnecessary connections, relationships, and sadness in the future.
Step 4: Becoming a love alchemist
The fourth step of conscious uncoupling involves shifting your perspective toward love. You need to recognize that love is not just a feeling but also a choice and an action that, in turn, has many reactions. This means practicing compassion, empathy, and understanding toward yourself and even your partner.
Yes, love should be this spontaneous and otherworldly feeling that needs no intellectual input or change. It should just exist without premeditated calculation or thought. But that’s the thing—it should, and although it sometimes does, that’s not always the case.
It’s not the case for people who have been emotionally abused and neglected by their parents or former partners. It’s not the case for people-pleasers who don’t even know what they want. And certainly not the case for those who turn a blind eye to abuse.
Conscious uncoupling isn’t here to detach you from the idea of love. It’s here to attract conscious improvement, maturity, and carefulness with those you want to let in or kick out of your life.
You can also become a love alchemist by using the discomfort and lessons from your past relationships to alter your future. Instead of dwelling on the negative, focus on the positive lessons you’ve learned and how they can help you create a more fulfilling relationship in the future.
Step 5: Creating your “happily ever after” life
This final step involves approaching the breakup with compassion and understanding rather than anger or resentment. This may involve expressing gratitude for the time you spent together or finding ways to support each other as you move forward.
It means to approach your partner while having their feelings and thoughts in mind. The more aggressive approach may sound or seem appealing, but it really is not in the long run. You don’t want to look back on things and regret saying something you never meant.
Being authentic means being your true self, even when negative emotions get in the way of your expression. Consciously uncoupling is exactly what it sounds like: to consciously make a decision and maturely accept a new path in your life.
While the concept of conscious uncoupling may sound idealistic or overly optimistic, there is research to suggest that it can be an effective way to end a relationship. One study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that individuals who reported a more positive breakup experience were more likely to experience post-breakup growth and well-being.
Of course, conscious uncoupling is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and it may not be the right approach for every couple. However, the principles of conscious uncoupling can be applied in any situation where a relationship is ending, whether it is a romantic partnership or a friendship.
If you are considering a conscious uncoupling, it is important to seek out support from a therapist or other professional who can help guide you through the process. This may involve individual therapy, couples therapy, or a combination of the two.
Healing After a Divorce/Breakup
Conscious uncoupling is here to remind you what a lot of people forget, even whilst they are with their partner–they forget about themselves.
We become attached to the idea that we don’t have to live life alone. We don’t have to do taxes, do the dishes, or even laugh alone.
But in the midst of all that lovely chaos of planning the future, laughing at the sink breaking again, and raising your first child together, the negatives that were once hushed and buried start rising from the dead.
And before you know it, you are resentful, bitter, and fed up with everything.
The conscious uncoupling aftermath is about not doing the same to yourself. Call yourself out, freely. Love yourself even more freely.
The aftermath is hard because we forget about the negativities while missing what was beautiful, completely dismissing the fact that what was beautiful was a very long time ago.
This is how to truly heal: Allow yourself to grieve and be sad. Lay on your bed for days and cry. Feel the anxiety and blues, and allow them to roam around your body and mind freely. Don’t resist anything.
The more we resist something the more it persists.
Granted, this process is much harder if kids are involved. In many cases, this means that you have to be in touch with your ex and can’t give yourself the time to grieve as much as you have to be there for your children.
But children’s safety and well-being is often the reason why many opt for separation. A lot of healing can be done with the help of your children, as well as your inner circle.
And even if you don’t have close friendships or even a supportive family, we would suggest reaching out to a therapist who specializes in divorce mental health and even investing more time and money towards yourself and your healing journey.
In conclusion, conscious uncoupling offers a new approach to ending relationships that emphasizes a new beginning rather than an ending filled with a false prediction of eternal misery.
The goal of conscious uncoupling is to create a positive and respectful ending to a relationship, rather than one filled with animosity and pain. By approaching the end of a relationship with conscious awareness, individuals can avoid the common pitfalls of anger, blame, and resentment and instead move towards healing, growth, and a greater sense of self-awareness.
When it comes down to it, you have all the power within you to end things gracefully and understand that you deserve all the good that arises from new horizons ahead.